You Will Never Be this Loved Again...

I took a trip down my memory blog lane a few nights ago and got really sad. I'm talking full on depression. Like the kind where I can't get out of bed and eat everything in sight and cry for no reason.  I've  had this sneaky suspicion that my kids and my baby boy were growing up but I didn't realize it had already happened. They are all little adults and ready to flee the nest or something like that. Just typing this is putting me into a full blown panic! How is this happening so fast? If the first 10 years have gone by this fast the next 10 will probably go faster.

I'm scared. What am I going to do about this? My baby Henry is turning 5! Kindergarten in the fall! Emma starts high school in the fall! Iza starts 6th grade! Lucy is 8 and baptized! The next thing I know I'll be an empty nester all alone. I'll probably become a hoarder with boxes of memorabilia and strange things I find on the side of the road. I'll have to live in towers of junk so I don't feel all alone.

I read this the other day and it is just how I feel about things right now. I literally stopped to catch my breath and hold back tears.

You will never be this loved again. So on those days you are feeling stressed out, touched out, depleted, just remember you will never be this loved again. One day you will long for their affection. So choose a soft voice, choose gentle hands, choose love.

I'm choosing now to reclaim my kids and love them better. I'm losing Emma to the teen years. She used to love me so much and now I just bug her all the time. There is quite a bit of eye rolling. It hurts.  I ache for the days when she hugged and kissed me and was my little shadow. I'm afraid of the years ahead when the rest of my babies will follow her lead. I'm a mom and always will be, but the realization that I won't always have them to take care of is sad for me. Is this pathetic? Brent suggests I go back to school or find a life outside of my kids. It's hard because my kids are my life. If I focus my time and energy on something else, that is just time wasted where I could be loving them.

I know what it was like to have a mom gone a lot physically and mentally. While she was a wonderful mom, she wasn't always present. She was in School for years and then started her career and it was hard on the family. I felt forgotten a lot of the time. I was left alone a lot of the time. I probably grew up faster than I should have. I don't want that for my kids and I don't want to miss out on their growing up.

So here is the plan…  More pictures, more affection, more writing, less stress, less obligations. I'm trying to finding me again in this new stage of motherhood.

 6 months late but here are my people